“Where is God in this?”
I asked myself, while lying in a hospital bed hooked up with IVs, feeling the blood pump back into my veins. It was excruciating. Every aspect of it was the opposite of my expectation.
It came on a rainy day in July, during the middle of a thunderstorm. “I think my water broke” I muttered at 4am to my husband. The pregnancy was much easier than my first, why wouldn’t the delivery be just as good or even better this time around?
My first nurse stared at the computer screen for over an hour, unable to remember the password. This was the person who wanted to hook me up to meds, which I refused after seeing her dazed state of mind. This was the beginning of mishaps that would only increase through my two day hospital stay.
From a nurse with a stroke, to a nurse who couldn’t find my veins over and over again, to an epidural that made my entire body numb only to stop during transition of labor, to 2 liters of blood loss (that no one figured out happened until day 2), to my doctor not signing off on pain medication after delivery.
I delivered a baby naturally, lost 2 liters of blood and had a transfusion, and went thru the first 24hrs after delivery on only Ibuprofen. And during this, my basement flooded so my husband had to leave the hospital over the first night.
The delivery felt like actual torture, for no reason I could understand. I had a healthy, easy pregnancy, this was my second child and the first had a very easy delivery at 8.7 lbs. This one was a week earlier than planned and smaller. But if something could go wrong-it did.
I came home, mind reeling, and traumatized. But at least it was all over right? Well two weeks later, more bleeding, ER visit, D&C surgery, and being told I was now high-risk for next pregnancies and… oh yeah if anything like this happened again would need a hysterectomy.
Wow, so much, crazy, but at least it was over right? Due to the bleeding I was put on birth control right away, it was at this time that colic seemed to begin with my new baby. After three months of long days and nights full of crying, a lactation visitation, and no improvement, we started formula.
I felt cheated, that if I weren’t on birth control then my milk would have worked for my baby. I tried every other diet to help and felt it was the medicine affecting her- again, an expectation blown to pieces. I thought, at least we switched to formula and now everything is going to be all right.
And for the most part, things got better, but I still had a difficult child who cried much more than my first. Leading up to the delivery I prayed, I worried, I had blessings that everything would go smoothly. I told Heavenly Father- I need your help, please be there with me during this, please make everything go perfectly.
It didn’t. None if it. And it even got worse after coming home. Where was God in this? Where?
But I survived all of it, my child is gorgeous and smart and amazingly agile. I delivered a baby naturally and it really wasn’t that bad! My mom was there through all of it and my husband by my side. God was there, allowing bad things to happen (not causing bad things to happen) because He knew I could do it.
He knows us all, and times when we feel He has forgotten- I think he is right there next to us-wishing we didn’t need these experiences to grow. But I need to grow. I need to be better. I need to become. It was what I needed in order to create something so perfectly for other moms who also wonder how to bridge the gap between what they are thinking and feeling. Someday I hope to live with Him again, and in order to be able to do that I need to do things that will stretch me-body and soul. And in the end I still love Him and will serve Him all the same.
If you are wondering- where is God in this?? He’s waiting for you, making room for your mansions above, and allowing you to do what you need to do in order to become like Him. We are never truly alone, there is such a thing as the enabling power of Grace. This means we are blessed with what we need to get through- maybe it’s family, friends, resources, or peace.
I know that God was there, I know He’s still here, and I know that what I went through will somehow help me in my journey. This hard, really really hard moment or many moments in my life led to the person I have become today. I would not have been able to create “Making Time for Mom”, my 7 day jump start wellness course for moms, if I had not needed that EXACT course myself but could NOT find anywhere.
This tragedy led to pure empathy and knowledge of what it is like to go through hard times in motherhood- those hard times can linger and linger until it just becomes life. I want to give you the course that I NEEDED but couldn’t get anywhere, because it just did not exist. I truly believe that it can help any mom get a foundation that will set her up for success and living the life she dreams. Where was God in all of this? He was showing me what I needed to do to change the world, to change myself, and to give other women the tools to change their lives.